You know those stories where the person telling it gets to a dramatic climax? Your eyes are wide with anticipation. Your heart rate might even be beating a little faster. Just when you think they are going to describe the resolution, they announce, “and THEN…” followed by another climatic event. Their words take you along the roller coaster ride up to a new height.
That’s kind of how my life has felt for the past 10 or so years. One climax after another. Some thrilling and filled with overflowing joy. Others with stomach-dropping, heart-breaking lows. So many dramatic “and thens”. Especially over the last year and then the few months spent on the World Race. Life was exciting, filled with a clear purpose and direction, and I felt like I was doing something great!
Until now.
I turned 24 last week. Yay, right? Not so much… I actually had a pretty tough week of evaluating my life and where I thought I would be by now. When I was little, I thought I would be married when I was 21. When that didn’t happen, I focused on making progress toward my long term dream of running a ranch for at-risk teens. Even more recently, I dreamed of sending you pictures and telling you stories of my horseback trail ride across Kyrgyzstan mountains for my birthday. Instead, I spent the day babysitting 4 of my nieces and nephews (whom I adore and I’m so grateful for the extra time spent with them!).
Beyond the unfulfilled dreams, I was disappointed with the lack of purpose and clear direction over the last few months since returning home. As an enneagram type 1 (perfectionist to the core), I’m highly driven by purpose and action. I need to know that I’m doing something useful and impactful with my life…or I start a downward spiral.
After 3 months of waiting for God’s next “and then” in my life, I hit that point last week. Disappointed. Sad. Confused. Just plain down. I missed my community. I wanted to know why God seemed to have my life on pause. I think that awful phone call hold music could’ve been playing and fit my mood!
Thankfully, my birthday was also filled with many encouraging texts and messages from friends and family, reminding me of all the little good things that are happening. Reminders that God still hears me and loves me no matter how little or much I feel like I’m doing for Him. After some tears and lakeside praying, He restored peace to me. He didn’t show me a master plan and answer all my questions. That would’ve been nice! But, I’m learning that His peace is enough and to rest in it.
It’s funny. My word for the year was “breathe”. I originally thought it would be fitting because I expected to have a pretty hectic year filled with traveling all over the world. Instead, it turns out God was literally telling me to slow down and breathe for an extended period of time.
92 days (so far) to be exact. Ha. He’s funny like that!
My life hasn’t been this flexible and slow since before I was 13 and started my first job. I’ve never been able to, at the drop of a hat, spend a day hiking with a best friend who was in town, babysit for my siblings, run errands for my mom, pick up some extra jobs to help out an older friend, or pursue hobbies and learning. My life was packed with commitments every single day of the week before I left. Then while on the race, it was a whole lot of constant going or at least being ready to go.
The time to breathe and flexibility of the past 3 months have allowed me to reevaluate what is truly important to me. The top 5 things that come to mind are:
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Purposeful quiet time away with my Papa. Barefoot prayer walks out in the field each morning are my current favorite!
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Family. Figuring out how to love and serve them as an adult daughter and sister living at home again has been good and hard. I’m so thankful for this unexpected opportunity to do that though.
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Community. I’m an introvert and love my alone time, but I value deep friendships more than ever after being away from people for so long! I can’t imagine how all you extroverts are surviving…
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A goal to strive towards. I need a reason to wake up and results to show that my day was worth it. Completed checklists are an added bonus.
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Loving others through my passions and talents. When I work just for the dollar bills, I don’t find any joy in it. If I can incorporate something I’m passionate about and use it to love others through my work, it’s 100 times more fulfilling!
My current life plan for my 24th year includes another 3 months of waiting to relaunch on the World Race in October. I’m still taking a variety of online classes, running my bakery, working random jobs, and pursuing the above 5 things in my life. I don’t know what the next “and then” God will tell in my story. Maybe it’s as simple as “she learned to listen, to love, and to breathe”. I’m okay with that. In fact, I’m glad for it now! 24 will be a grand year if that happens.
What “and then” is happening in your life?
Are you in a dramatic climax? A peaceful lull?
What has God been teaching you through this season?
Thank you for your faithful participation in my journey. It means more than words can say to know that I have you alongside me, even when I’m across the world. I can’t wait to get back out on the international mission field, but until then I will strive to serve faithfully right here.
So much love!
P.S. birthday popsicle cheers from the munchkins and me! 🙂
You’re spirit is calming and beautiful and warm and even though you are a 1, you carry your need for perfection with such unending grace. I learn a lot watching you. I miss you Victoria! Love that you are still holding out for October or whenever we relaunch. It will be a beautiful reunion!
Thank you so much for sharing and be vulnerable! I think we have all learned some hard lessons through this. I love how you are willing to share and be open about what God is teaching you.
I always say that God did not give us wisdom as young people, but we gain it through our life experiences. You, my dear, are growing in that every time I read your next blog. Love you.
Thank you, Leslie! I don’t always feel like I’m learning very quickly, so it’s very encouraging to hear that! 🙂
Aww thanks, Ruth! I just hope and pray God can use my experience (and problems) to encourage others. I know others have made a huge difference in my life through their words!
Lindsey, wow. You’re basically my hero when it comes to walking in grace and strength. Thank you so much for your kind words! I love you too and can’t wait to hug you in August!
You are a beautiful soul (:
It was so good to hear from you and know that you are at peace with where you are right now. So much of what has happened this year is out of our ability to change or control, yet we can be in complete control of our response and fall into the father’s arms with even more abandon. I love hearing your heart through these blogs. And happy 24th birthday to you!! The best is yet to come!