Glory in the Grief (Glory Series pt. 4 – finale)

July 2 – August 15, 2022

There’s a sound clip from a song that is currently trending on social media. It’s most often used for a travel compilation video. Catchy background music plays while the journey commences. As the person walks through the airport or packs their luggage, these words are sung, “Can we skip to the good part?” The scene changes dramatically and shows their arrival at the destination, somewhere stunningly gorgeous or an architectural wonder.

That’s how I’ve felt about the following experience. Can I just skip to the good part? Can the camera pan away from the messy process and show only the beautiful ending? But no, this is a chapter in my story that I won’t erase. There’s glory in the midst of it that I won’t withhold from the Lord.

This story starts the day after my near-death accident on the beach in Nicaragua. Since my phone was somewhere on the ocean floor, Mom texted my friend’s phone saying she had important news and asked if I could call. I did and she explained how my grandpa, who had Alzheimer’s, wandered out of the house and fell on the street, injuring his face and hand. Pa was in the hospital and struggling with not understanding what was going on or where he was. They didn’t expect it to be anything serious though…

However, over the next couple of weeks, he rapidly declined in health. It was an incredibly tough time for my family as they sat with him through long nights in the hospital and exhausting days of emotional agitation. As the end drew near, a fever spiked, his pulse slowed, and his oxygen levels declined. It was only a matter of time. My heart was torn by the desire to both continue serving with the ministry and to be with my family at home. My parents and I decided it was best for me to stay until further notice.

I got occasional updates through messages on my computer or a FaceTime call on a friend’s phone, but communication was limited. The impending death and inability to support my family weighed heavily on my heart. While I had friends in Nicaragua, it was a lonely season. I was grieving in a different culture and language, far away from those who knew me well. Yet even then, the Lord led me to a closer dependence on Him as He became my source of comforting friendship. He began to teach me how to give Him the glory through grieving.

On July 19th at 8:01am, I received a text from my Mom, “Pa just stepped into heaven.” Two of my closest friends in Nicaragua happened to be there at the breakfast table next to me. I set my phone down and told them he passed away. They held me tenderly as I cried silently. The Lord met me that day through the gift of a bracelet from a stranger, kind questions from friends, and silent work in the field and garden.

The circumstances and timing of his death were also sweet blessings from the Lord and answered prayers for my family. He survived past two of my siblings’ birthdays the previous weekend and then was accepted into a beautiful hospice the afternoon before he died. The end came peacefully while my grandma was there in the room with him. The hospice provided a butterfly for my family to release that afternoon in memory of him.

I flew home a little earlier than planned to be there for his service on July 29th. Despite the tearful grieving, the presence of joy was clearly evident. My Dad and his two siblings shared stories from their childhood and the legacy Pa left behind. He was an accomplished, well-traveled cardiologist who raised his family to love the Lord. I looked around the sanctuary filled with four generations of our family and felt God’s presence as we celebrated the life that was now with Him in heaven.

During the following weeks, I continued to grieve not only the loss of Pa, but also my own trauma of almost dying and battling heavy spiritual warfare throughout the month on my own in Nicaragua. I was broken by a deep sadness that I had never experienced before. I honestly didn’t know how to process what I felt. All I knew to do was turn to the Lord, so I did.

I spent 3 days fasting and praying. I poured out my hurting heart to Him through tears, journaling, and worship. I questioned if I should even go back out to lead another mission trip in just two short weeks when I was such a mess. How could I possibly lead others well when my life was in shattered pieces on the floor?

Although I didn’t experience a major revelation or instant comfort during the fast, God met me with incredible tenderness. While I wanted to fix myself and move on, He wasn’t in a rush for me to put myself back together just so I could go out and work for Him again. God isn’t a “put a band-aid on it and get back out there” kind of god. He’s not afraid to stay present throughout the long, messy process of grieving and healing. He lovingly demonstrated His promise that He will always be with me – that includes the season of tears just as much if not more than the season of joy.

Grief is a memorable teacher. It stripped me of my pride and humbled me to a place of vulnerability. It softened my heart and filled me with an empathy I couldn’t have gained except by personally experiencing a desperate need for the comfort of the Lord’s arms. 2 Corinthians 12:9 became tangibly real to me as God’s power was made perfect through my weakness. He remained steadfast when my strength failed and I had nothing left to offer.

It’s crazy how in the Christian walk, THAT IS the good part: living ever-dependent on His presence. It’s not the exciting high of an extravagant vacation. There is no skipping the journey to get to the destination. In fact, the process is slower than we hope and harder than we expect, yet it is beautiful. Why do I say it’s beautiful? Because, even in the grief, He gets the glory and works all things for good.

Ready or not for the next chapter of life, I boarded a plane to head to squad leader training in Georgia on August 15th where I would prepare to lead another 3 month trip back to Nicaragua and Costa Rica. Though a broken vessel, somehow, He continues to accept and work through me. May the cracks in my heart and life only allow His love to spill out more now than ever before. To Him be the glory in all things!