Wrestling With Restlessness

Date: July 15, 2021

Location: Tbilisi, Georgia

Host: ATL (Ask The Lord) 

Over the years, I’ve discovered I am a silent verbal processor. When my mind reels with thoughts and emotions, journaling in a silent place with God is my favorite avenue to clarity. I desperately needed to do some processing last week, so I found a shaded seat on the waterfront and sat watching the fishing boats tethered to the dock sway gently. I put pen to paper and allowed my heart and mind to battle for the lead in my words…

I want to be alone
Yet included

I want to hide
Yet be seen

I want to be silent
Yet heard

I want to be different
Yet fit in

I want to run away
Yet be pursued

I want freedom
Yet to be held

I want fierce strength
Yet gentle tenderness

I want to be independent
Yet protected

I want peace
Yet the adrenaline rush of the unknown

I want inner calm
Yet fiery passion

I want to know
Yet be surprised

I want to float with ease
Yet dive to the deepest depths

I want to fly
Yet be safely anchored

I want to feel settled
Yet adventure wildly

I want to be filled
Yet hunger for more

I want to be satisfied
Yet experience something new

These words are a glimpse into my wrestling with restlessness. I feel pulled in two opposite directions. I want both extremes – a life lived to its very fullest, yet also comfortably safe. My head says one thing, while my heart cries for another.

My struggling thoughts have been more exasperated lately, at least in part, because my squad recently passed the halfway point on the World Race. In my overly active planner’s mind, that means it’s time to start figuring out the next thing. Since I was around the age of 10, I probably could’ve given you my life goals and a rough draft for a 5 or even 10-year plan. Now? The best I can give is a shoulder shrug and open hands.

At every plan I’ve tried to make recently, God has quietly shaken His head no, smiled, and said, “That’s not what I have for you, My daughter.” He is gentle with me, yet firm. Plans I thought lined up perfectly with the dream He’s placed in my heart keep falling to pieces around me. I find myself fighting the temptation to scramble around and put them back together, yet knowing that’s not what He wants.

I sit on the floor in the midst of my mess, angry tears streaming down my face as I try to hold my white-knuckled grip on an illusion of control. All the while, He calmly and lovingly waits for me to simply let go. I. don’t. want. to. Why? On the surface, you might believe my own lie that it’s because I’m strong and capable. I can do this!

However, if you pull back the curtain on my facade, you’d see a scared little girl. She’s terrified that her last hope might disappoint her. She’s tried so hard on her own, yet failed again and again. She doesn’t know if she can bear to give Him a chance to prove Himself able. What if He disappoints her? What if He’s not able?

A whisper blows across my mind, “What if He is?”

A candle flame of hope flickers to life in my heart. Like a surge of energy rushing through me, a deep longing within begs me to believe it is true – to believe that He can satisfy me. Yet, should I risk it? In reality, I have nothing to lose because I realized something else this week…

My plans won’t satisfy me.

It’s that simple. I can plan a life focused on one side or the other – adventure or security – but not both. I’ve done that for a while now, swinging back and forth between the extremes. I’ll settle into a routine. It’s disciplined and good, but boring. So, I swing to the other side. I push myself to the limits, seeking adventure and joy. I don’t want to miss anything! In that process, I utterly exhaust myself and long to return to simplicity. Neither is enough. You see, my perspective just isn’t wide enough.

But, God’s is.

He can see my beginning to the very end. He knows how to satisfy both my homebody and adventurous soul. More clearly than ever before, He has proven His capability to me on the World Race this year. My comfort and security haven’t come in the form I expected them to. In fact, they have come in ways I never would’ve imagined possible. As for adventure, sure, riding a camel, jumping off waterfalls, and floating over valleys in a hot air balloon were absolutely incredible experiences, but my favorite adventures have been watching God at work in my heart and in those around me. He guides me on a journey that satisfies me far more deeply than the excitement of adrenaline or awe that passes in a moment.

With shaky fingers, I slowly release my hold. I breathe out, “Okay, God. Yes. You can plan my future. I trust You.” Peace washes over and wraps around me like a warm blanket. I relax as a tension I didn’t even know I carried loses its grip on me. The desperation to control my life was controlling me. Now, like a little bird, I feel free and light.

Finally, my wrestlings have come to rest.